It’s been three months now, that I fell a hundred feet from a jet diving into water, but this is not about that.
Since the accident, time has literally “flown” and I believe in it now. Having tried and failed repeatedly at “getting back” to some sane routine has proven tougher than it used to be. On numerous occasions i have tried and succeeded quite comfortably at changing my routine and daily habits towards the better. This has only reinforced my self belief and confidence in having some sort of order and control over my life.
Having said that, I find it tremendously tough now to do the same. In what manner, is hard to comprehend. I have positively tried to comprehend and understand the situation, tried getting back to reading, pushing myself a little to not get distracted, or rather diverted from the task at hand, and zoning out into a comfortable abyss of nothingness, which happens to consume a lot of my daily hours. I have tried to focus on a certain activity, but probably the restless identity I associate myself with has only gotten worse and taken undue advantage of the susceptible state of my mind.
I do not relate to psychological weakness, though I do not completely disregard it. I have been informed of things like PTSD and factors that come along. I believe and strongly wish to be true, that a balanced and focussed mind can overcome any situation, however harsh it maybe. It has been one of my life’s guidelines, to preach and practice. Self doubt however sometimes consumes oneself. Is this denial, waiting and growing up inside of me, to later come and bite me where it hurts, or is it a subconscious manner of dealing with troubles. Probably does not make much sense, but it’s my own theory to live and try.
All of us handle stress in different manners, positive and negative. Throwing oneself into a drunken stupor to grab a few hours of worry-free sleep hasn’t been much of a mental help, but a physical means to avoid heavy painkillers and further ruin my health. Choosing one of the two evils, I’d say. Being positive has always been my tool to handle things. What’s yours?
Probably expressing ones worries and weaknesses to a near or dear one helps, but what if you do not wish to indulge anyone in your insecurities, however close they might be to you, or you think they are. Hard to accept kind of truth.
A very confused and erratic flow of thoughts, however perhaps, this is one of the manners one gets out their rhyme to reason. I’d rather let my jumbled thoughts be out their in the world than inside me. Let’s see how that goes.
Talking of denial. Yes or no. probably time will tell. Its hard to accept facts, harder to live with them. Extremely hard to face them. And even harder to tell yourself it’s not your fault. Not in denial that I have been affected by a sequence of events. Life changing ones. However, yes am in denial that it is alright. Doesn’t really feel that it’s alright. Perhaps I’ll share this out with the unknowing ear, with the unknowing heart, across town and seas, and find another mind that says the same.